Me: I feel so good right now. Very little pain. I mentally feel great. Why can't I feel like this all the
time? Damn it! Why can't I feel this way all the time?!? I know once I stop them I am going to
go back to what I was before.
Hubby: (Looking at me compassionately) Just enjoy it Jenn.
Me: I go thru this every time don't I?
Hubby: Yes, babe.
He was right! I do go thru the same emotions when I am taking steroids. I don't know why it has taken me so long to figure it out. AND I came to realized that each dose has a different effect on my emotions.
First, let me tell you about this lovely flare. It has been a very long and drawn out one. It started simply with just not feeling right. It wasn't depression. It wasn't severe pain. I just noticed that the fatigue was starting to get worse. My endurance was getting very very short. After a few days, I stupidly attempted to clean up water that the broken washing machine decided to spew out all over the floor. As bending over, Sciatica went into over drive! My right leg, down to the calf was numb and the samurai sword like pain (because saying stabbing knife pain just doesn't give it justice) pierced my lower back, hips and down to my toes. Awful!!! And yet, I still was in denial about a flare. Few days later, still not bending over, not doing much at all, I noticed the Lupus Rash was starting to come out on my arm and the back of my head felt like it was on fire. Ok, fine! I am having a flare!! Time for steroids. Even though the pic below doesn't look as bad, it was the other symptoms that truly kicked my ass this time.
Day 1: I am so over feeling like crap. In pain, very fatigued, Lupus rash feels like a horrible sun. I am so happy that I have an "as needed" pack in my medicine cabinet!! I am going to feel so much better!! Love my steroids!!
Day 2: Ok, so what happened to the spurt of energy you get with these sum' biotches? All I want to do is sleep!! Still feeling like crap and my rash is looking very angry!
Day 3: Feeling better. Still fatigued but not that "gnawing not wanting to move to lift the tv remote" kinda of fatigue. Pain, is better and rash is pretty angry at me.
Day 4: In the morning: Pain, better. Fatigue, better. Rash is clearing up. It doesn't feel like I just taken a Brillo pad across an open blister and now my mind is racing.
In the evening: Very little to no pain. I WANT to do laundry?? There's that little spurt of energy I was looking for the other day! I feel so good! The best I have felt in 3 weeks! Damn, I feel good. This is not going to last. Why can't I feel this way all the time? This sucks!!! This is how I should feel every single day! I'm angry at this point! Why do I have to feel like crap all the time and then now that I am feeling good, it's not going to last? I am going to go back to the same, painful, fatigue ridden, bitchy self! I hate you steroids!
Day 5: Also known as the "I want chicken wings or I am going to fight someone" dose. I am so frickin hungry! And, WE ARE OUT OF POTATO CHIPS!! UGH!!! However, my pain is minimal, which is so awesome! My mind is racing. For instance, I have about 12 different topics in my brain what to write about. I start off with one topic and ooooooooh.....squirrel!! Not to mention, I look at my dose pack and realize I only have one more day. Saddens me.
Day 6: Still hungry. Still have minimal pain. Still getting spurts of energy for I have to tell myself not to over do it. Fatigue is less and endurance is more. Just finished the last dose and looked at the empty pack that I'm about to throw away and think, "Reality will be back soon. I will be back to the pain and fatigue that just runs me down mentally and physically. I hate this.".
So, this is me on Medrol Dose Pack. The ups and downs. Feeling great yet disappointed that I can't feel like this forever. Interestingly enough, I never remember what I go thru when I am not taking it. It usually take 3-4 doses for me to remember. With the exception of the time I really, really, really wanted to fight some one, anyone and eat chicken wings. Like 2 baskets of chicken wings.
Hugs!!
Jenn
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