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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Domestic Violence...he's not going to change!

I like to write about pretty much anything that interests me, life lessons and my own experiences. Domestic Violence is one of them. Though, I am not writing this for me but for other women out there living through this hell everyday. If one person would read this and get out of the awful situation, then my job is done. For an outsider who has never lived with an abuser, it is truly harder than "just leaving".
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence... 1 in 4 women will experience Domestic Violence once in there life. 1 in 4!!! So, you are NOT alone! 
The biggest thing the woman in a abused situation is that she thinks that her man is going to change. He promises her that. He will go to the therapy. He will cry on her shoulder. He will tell her he loves her and that he will get help with his anger. He will tell her that "it will never happen again". You will "date". Seriously! This is a phenomenon called "the honeymoon period". The man will do anything and everything to suck the woman back in. He will take you places, dinners, movies. Give you money, little freedom. Swears that he is going to therapy and taking medication. Will even swear off drinking. He will be Romeo, Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum all rolled into one...for a month or 2. Then he has sucked her back in and it all starts over. 
Men who physically, mentally, verbally and yes, even sexually, abuses women...(pay attention)
I repeat...

They do not WANT to change. They will NEVER change. They want to control you. They want to dominate, humiliate, own, enslave, beat you down. They will trick you into believing that they will do whatever it takes to make you happy, to save the marriage and to keep the family together. It WILL NOT LAST! Trust me, I know. I have had many, many, many honeymoon periods in my first marriage.
I got out, with 2 kids under the age of 6, no money, left with 1 duffel bag. I'm not going to lie, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I was scared, I felt as though I had to hide. I kept my kids close. Kept doors locked. Parked my vehicle with enough room so if I had to escape in a hurry I could. But I did it! I got out! It was the greatest thing I could have done. Not only for me but for my kids.
There is help out there. Protection Orders you can obtain to keep them away from you. These are FREE of charge. There are programs, abuse shelters, group therapy, resources out there. Advocates! They are terrific! Call the Domestic Violence Hotline...I did, at 2 in the morning. They are there 24/7!

I just want to leave you with a few "RED FLAGS":
  • Has a terrible relationship with his family, especially with his mother
  • Makes you feel guilty of the clothes, makeup you wear or how your hair is styled
  • Monitors your cell phone, Facebook, text messages.
  • Will not allow you to have a cell phone, Facebook or text someone
  • Not allowed to touch his cell phone and the bill goes to his work
  • Calls you: whore, fat, stupid bitch, lazy, worthless, piece of shit, slut...I could keep going but you get the idea
  • Constantly states that you are cheating on him. But you are not allowed out of the house??
    • Side note...when this is happening, he is usually the one doing the cheating!
  • Not allowed to have money or a bank account
  • Have to account for every item what you have spent at the grocery store from the money he gave you. BTW, don't take too long at the grocery store because that means you are sleeping around.
I have been divorced from my first husband for 10 years now. I am remarried to a wonderful man who would NEVER think to raise his hand or call me names. He loves my kids as if they were his own. I didn't know that I could be treated so good.
Just please remember, he will NOT change. Just get yourself and your kids out of the situation. It is hard, but it does get easier. 
Oh, I forgot, all the threats of my ex saying that he was going to kill me, hide the kids or take custody to them...all BS. He stayed away because of the protection order. In court, he wanted the minimum visitation schedule and missed a lot of his visitation time. They will say anything to scare you, keep you prisoner.
Be safe and Hugs!!

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