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Monday, October 13, 2014

Fed up and my boiling point!

I kinda had a melt down the other day. Well actualy, I just blew up. My usual smiley face and my lies of "I'm doing pretty good" went away and I just couldn't keep it together anymore.
So, I am tired of the following:

  1.  Being sick.
  2.  Being in pain all the time. 
  3.  Fatigue. (I really hate you!)
  4. Of my mind telling me that I can do things for which I cannot do. 
  5. Of my house being a mess. Laundry not done. Dishes not done. Bathroom not painted.
  6. Tired of having to decide if I want to shower today or go to the store. I cannot shower and then go to store. Oh no! I have to shower. Rest. Put on clothes. Rest. Maybe then I will go to the store. 
  7. Of calculating if I go out of the house: How long I should be gone? Will there be a place I can lay down? What type of clothing should I wear because with my interal "thermostat" being so screwed up that I can't get too hot because I feel like I am going to fall over but yet I can't get too cold because then my joints and muscles ache? Is it too sunny? Because God forbid me being in the sun because of the stupid Lupus. Just planning to go somewhere is just exhausting it's self. I stop and think if it is even worth going out?? But I am so tired of being in the house. I am tired of looking at my bedroom walls. I hate that I am always in my bedroom. I do go in the living room for a change of scenery but it is usually not for long. Because of what? Because I'm tired, fatigued, in pain or getting short tempered.
  8. Of feeling tired. There are even differences in my tiredness. UGH!! Tired can be just tired. Tired can be sleepy. Tired can be fatigued. There is even a "tired" that I can't even explain!
  9. Of being indecisive. Terrible time making decisions anymore. If you only knew how many times I have edited this post! (Changed the title 4 times lol)
  10. Of depression fueling the pain and the pain is fueling the depression. Along with the fatigue fueling the depression and the anxiety fueling the pain in which really frickin depresses me.
  11. Of not driving. Again with the fueling! Not driving fuels the fatigue to where I cannot judge distances which totally ticks me off because I miss just getting in my car and go where I want and I don't have to wait around on people to take me somewhere for which I have already calculated my trip.
  12. Of not having my paycheck. Along with my weekly trips to the store to get what ever I wanted and spent how ever much time I wanted in the store.
  13. Of not having my career. I loved my job and I was good at it. It made me feel important. Made me feel like I had a purpose.
  14. Of the loss of independance that I fought to have for myself.
Some times it is so hard to put on a happy face. Am I having a pitty party? Sure! I can see if you are a person that is lucky enough not to have a chronic illness, so you can call it that. Or how about a woman who is just sick of feeling this way and that is ALLOWED to break every once in awhile. You can only take so much before you reach a boiling point. I have reached mine. I hope that you can relate!
Big Hugs!

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