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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Finding a purpose and loss of independence...

I was a homecare nurse. I used to do patient care but then I started working in an office as a quality assurance nurse. I loved my job. I was good at my job. Now since I have quit working because of this illness, I find it hard, most days, to find a purpose. I do have my teenagers and I know my purpose is for them. I have my husband and I know my purpose is for him. But sometimes this is hard to remember. I feel like I don't have anything of my own. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to. I don't have anything to excite me. I spend my days, resting, watching tv, surfing the net and doing what chores I can accomplish. Somedays, I can't accomplish much. 
I'm not sure if it is so much as having a purpose or the loss of independence. I was such an independent woman. Had a terrible first marriage that I got out of, put myself through nursing school and graduated with honors with 2 kids, worked 40-50 hours per week and went camping almost every week. I truly miss that in my life. I miss getting a paycheck. I miss being the go-to girl at work. I miss going camping and making wonderful memories with my family like I had when I was a kid. 
I feel bad for my kids. I feel bad that I depend of them for certain things. I feel bad that they worry about what is wrong with me. I have said it several times and I will say it again...I have great kids.
So, what do I do to change my thinking when I feel like I have no purpose and lost independence?
1. Lost of independence is what it is. I have to remind myself often that it truly is what it is. There is nothing I can do about it. I can't drive safely. I am unable to work. 
2. I do what I can do. There is always tomorrow. The laundry will always be there. The world is not going to end if it is not done all in one day.
3. As long as I have my kids and husband, I do have a purpose. Like I said earlier in this post, somedays are harder than others to remember. But I just have to keep reminding myself this. My kids  and husband need me. They need my guidance. They need me to kick their butt when they do something wrong. They need my love. They need to see me as a strong mom/wife. 
4.  I set it in my mind to accomplish one thing a day. Nothing major. Could be as simple as making a phone call. Doing 2 loads of laundry. Writing in my blog.  I do feel better if I accomplish something.
5. Start a blog! This has really helped. I don't know if anyone is reading it or not but it has helped me. It gives me a release. I can put down what I am feeling, thinking etc.. It gives me something to do. Gives me a task. Maybe I can help someone else who is going through what I am.
Don't get me wrong, this all sounds great but I do still struggle thinking positive but I remind myself of the above things and it does help me get through the day!


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